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As a new user to DSPSrv, you are probably wondering what the hell you are supposed to do now. This Orientation Guide is designed to help make the transition from ordinary humanoid to fledgling DSP much easier. If at a later date you wish to renounce your DSP status, please consult the DSP I_Seek_Banisment_with_Scornful_Taunts_Guide.

So now, on with Orientation!

Conditions and Regulations for Using DSPSRV (CRUD)

  1. Anything you say in a message can and will be used against you at some later stage. Anything you don't say in a message will be made up and used against you as well.

  2. Never post to DSPSrv while drunk as doing so will ultimatly result in you having to hide in your room for years afterwards. If someone does post while under the influence, you will show the proper restraint in replying to such messages (see rule 3).

  3. They posted while drunk, their souls are forfeit.

  4. Love everyone like a brother. If you interpret this too literally, please take pictures.

  5. You must hate everything related to Microsoft. Moreso, you must make periodic sarcastic jests about the size of Bill Gates' genetalia (extra merit is awarded if you choose to suggest he *has* no genetalia). Those exempt from this rule are anyone who actually works for the Microsoft Corporation as they are involved in deep-cover intelligence and their mission must not be jeprodised (I hope their mail filter picks this one up heh).

  6. You must occasionally "geek-out" to prove your worth to humanity. Acceptable geek-outs are rambling on about some unknown or obscure aspect of technology. If you can't find anything suitably obscure, make up some three letter acronyms and use words with numbers in them and you should be ok, e.g.
    "Christ, I've had it with this cruddy SR25 DTH system we have here! My feckin PLB connections are all messed up and I'm going to have to spend weeks trying to reconfigure them. Can anyone help?"

    If you receive no replies, you know success has been achieved.

  7. You will always reply to any obscure technological reference as to not do so makes you look clueless.

  8. Never, *ever* get involved in an argument with anyone whose initials are "HJW" as no-one lives long enough to see the end of it.

  9. When Waider and Joe flame each other, never make any reference to a "primary schoolyard slap and pinch fight" as to do so will probably end it and that's not what anyone wants.

  10. If you wish to employ humour in your posts, please indicate such with liberal use of smileys as often people don't get the joke, or what one person finds funny, someone else could find insulting. If the intention is indeed to insult, still use the smiley and they will be confused and unable to answer without looking like a bad sport.

At this stage of your Orientation, you should examine the Orientation List to check if you have missed any important steps.

[Orientation List]

  1. Someone suggests you join DSPSrv, being drunk you don't see the problem.

  2. Confirmation received from DSPSrv curator of your addition to list, even though you don't remember mailing him and upon sober recollection were glad you never gave anyone your email address.

  3. Curator announces same on list.

  4. Illogical and inane messages from complete strangers begin to fill your mailbox.

  5. You decide "what the hell" and innocently make your first post.

  6. Official BPC "Who The Fuck Are You?" Welcome immediatly received.

  7. First spammed message that you read last week on an web site received.

  8. First call for alcoholic indulgence received.

  9. First obscure technological reference received.

  10. First flamewar witnessed.

  11. First reference to porcine intercourse noted.

  12. First attempt to remove yourself from the list fails.

Congratulations! You are well on the way to becoming a proper DSPSrv user. As a final note, try not to whimper or cry too much as that just makes people more cranky.

12 - 06 - 1998