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For Spartak christmas came early yesterday, but not in exactly they
way they hoped. Instead of getting nice presents they took part in a
sad pantomime. "He's behind you!" they were screaming. Who? Nobody else
in the bloody league if they keep playing like that because they will
be bottom!
There have been many ugly sights
on a football pitch, Eric Cantona's tackle (ooer), Peter Beardsley trying to smile,
Martin Keown's hair...in fact, Martin Keown full stop, but few could compare to the
sheer deformity of Spartak's performance in this match. Their goalkeeping
was woeful, their defence abysmal their midfield non-existant and their attack as
penetrative as an impotent eunuch at a leper colony.
In all areas of the
park they were asleep and throughout the first half scarcely threathened. It was all
the more amazing considering that in their first game they played some attractive
passing football and in this game they couldn't even pass water without it hitting
their knee and sprying over the touchline.
The strategy from the opposition was simple. Punt the ball from the defence
Wimbledon like up the field and after it had bounced 57 times on the concrete
maquerading as a pitch, let the fast guy run onto it and shoot. And let's face it,
it worked. How it was only 1-0 at half time was a miracle. Luckily the fast guy had
read the Ade Akinbiyi's Guide to Finishing before the match. I think Spartak had one
whole shot the first half and that went 10 yards over the crossbar. And as for the
goal they conceded, the memory of it will pain me to the grave. It was
like watching a car crash in slow motion but with your mother in law
driving the car which was your new BWM. You didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
In the second half things got a bit
better. Spartak actually got their act together a bit and looked to be on top for
the first 20 minutes of the second half, even having, shock of shocks,
scoring chances! If they hadn't let 4 more stupid goals in during the
last 25 minutes they may have taken something from the game.
After the match the goalkeeper complained that he hadn't been
protected by his defence, the defence complained that they hadn't been
supported by the midfield, the midfield complained that they had pains
in their neck from craning to watch the ball soar over their heads for
the entire 90 minutes and the forwards complained that they had got
worse service that Railtrack.
Things will have to drastically improve in the next match if Spartak
are to harbour hopes of promotion this year. To keep playing like this
will be expensive. Those jars to hold all those wooden spoons cost a bit.
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