Official Spartak Sanger FC CDFL Cup Final Tack Click image to enlarge The Official CDFL Cup Final Match Programme This collectors item is a must for any Spartak fan, being as it is their first ever Cup Final appearance and their first chance to win something other than a wooden spoon. Included in this bumper mag is a complete profile of all the Spartak players with some of the photos blurred to protect the innocent. On page 2 there is a comprehensive Beginners Guide to Sunday League Football including correct pre-match vomiting techniques to keep your shirt clean, how to make shin pads out of your car's driving manual, and what medication will best combat fungal infections picked up from the kit which hasn't been washed in 5 weeks. Also inside is a unique lexicography of names to call the Referee compiled by Dennis Wise and Vinnie Jones; Big Ron Atkinson's Guide to abusing everyone in sight (including ethnic, racial, regional, religious and ginger slurs) and a Collectors Artist's Impression Poster of that time Dave went bonkers and ran around the pitch screaming like a lunatic after scoring a goal. The Official Match Ticket Where would you be without your official ticket? Well, you'd be at home if you had any sense. Or you could be in the stadium, because the whole thing is free, but most importantly if you don't have a ticket, what will you be able to tear up in frustration at the end of the match after losing at least an hour and a half of your life watching that shite? The Official Spartak Mascot There is nothing more important than putting children on the road to a miserable adulthood supporting some crap football team, so why not splash out and buy this lovely Spartak stuffed donkey, inspired by the unique playing style of the Spartak Team and wearing a Spartak shirt, to have your children miserable until they die. Spartak Hat Having a bad hair day? Don't care about what others think of you? If so then this stylish Spartak Hat is just the thing for you. Emblazoned with the Spartak team badge and an expression of the essence of a Spartak player, this cap will mark you out in the crowd as not only a Spartak supporter, but also someone to watch out for and who probably should be kept away from small children, impressionable and naive animals etc. Spartak - The Glory Moment Video This classy video casette will be surely snapped up by all Spartak Aficionados. It is a superb compilation of Spartak's one good moment in the last few seasons. With second-by-second analysis by a Mark Lawrenson lookalike (Virgil, a janitor from Cleethorps), this amazing 14 seconds of video captures the moment earlier in the season when Spartak strung more than one pass together and had a shot on goal. Unfortunately the shot hit a dead rabbit on the pitch and went just a few feet wide, but that still fails to mar this wonderous achievement of flowing total football. Some comments on Spartak - The Glory Moment "A masterpiece of cinematography and special effects!" - Jonathan Ross "Shows the vast range of skills from A to small a." - Ray Stubbs "Leeds should have signed the rabbit earlier in the year." - John Motson "Go away or I'll get a restraining order." - Alan Hansen Spartak Mini Kit A must for all car owners, display your pride in Spartak wherever you drive with this faithfully reproduced mini kit of the Spartak strip. Complete with a genuine reproduction dogshit streak on the front after an unfortunate sliding tackle on Coldham's Common, this beautiful item will let everyone know just how classy you are. Spartak Scarf If you endure serious head trauma after an accident, or if your parents are brother and sister, you may consider supporting the Spartak lads in the depths of winter when the ground is like concrete and the Brass Monkeys are wearing thermal underwear. If so, you will probably need a good scarf to keep you warm and, if tied tightly enough, to cut off the blood supply to your head and induce coma after 15 minutes to escape having to watch the game. For such an occasion this special edition scarf with the Spartak Official Motto on it is just the ticket!